The bible thumping communities including the E Bible Fellowship and others have after much research finally set a date for Judgment Day and Jesus' wrath.
With the decoding of the Biblical Calendar, the timing of all biblical events has been learned in great detail. This is a major breakthrough for Christians the world over.
On May 21st 2011 they will be flown first class to the clouds where they will enjoy eternity doing whatever perfect people do in invisible floating cities.
That’s bad news for the majority of the world who hasn’t kneeled down and pleasured Jesus before going to bed every night. We will be tortured on Judgment day by Jesus for a week or so before being turned over to Satan to be ass raped for about five months until God blows the whole thing up like a bad sci-fi movie on October 21st 2011. It’s all in the bible so it has to be true.
I have elected to belong to the latter group and willingly await the coming of our space daddy’s spoiled kid to settle this debate once and for all. At 12:01 AM Saturday morning on May 21st 2011 Christians around the world will be standing in their bedroom doorways in their Spiderman jammies clutching their teddies waiting for Jesus-Claus to fly down from the heavens and take them up to personally meet God in the Jesus Sleigh pulled by twelve jolly disciples.
On that date I will be swilling a Scotch and water confident that Jesus isn’t coming after me like a raging teenage girl that just got dumped by her boyfriend. In fact a Judgment Day party might be in order. It can be like a Michigan/Ohio State football game party. One side of the room can bring their carry-on baggage and wave bibles and the other can carry oven mitts and fire extinguishers.
All kidding aside I think actually assigning a date is a ballsy move. Once May 22nd rolls around without incident they will have expended all creditability on this fantasy.
When reading the theories behind E Bible's decision making process it all seems well thought out. The foundation of the whole theory is that everything in the bible is the word of god himself and thus can’t be wrong…
Barring small glitches in that thinking like the Earth being flat, the sky being supported by pillars and maybe the reasoning behind God creating light to separate day from night on the first day, yet he didn't make the sun until the fourth day… it sounds like a sound plan to me….
The whole basis of the plan is wrapped around their belief that Prom night slash doomsday is scheduled around a 7000 year sunset clause in the bible to take effect from the date Noah battens down the hatches and sails off into history.
Here they have simplified it:
“The context of 2 Peter 3 is extremely important! In the first few verses, God refers us to the destruction of the world (in 7 days) by the flood during Noah’s day. Then we find an interesting admonition that we ought not to be “ignorant” of one thing, which is, 1 day is as 1000 years, and 1000 years is as 1 day. Immediately following this bit of information is a very vivid description of the end of the present world by fire (in 7000 years).”
Simple enough! Do the math and that works out to be this spring. I can’t wait!
Mainstream churches will not touch this date with a ten foot crucifix for one reason. If Judgment Day doesn’t happen this May it could have a great effect on the credibility of the church. The masses may lose faith and stop bringing their families and more to the point their wallets to church on Sunday morning.
With the hundreds of millions of dollars being paid out right now by independant churches as a result of the Vatican’s long term support of the raping of church member's young sons, the very foundations of Christianity is in a financial hardship right now.
The Christian faith is currently in a life and death struggle with secularism taking hold of the non-muslim masses. Putting all their eggs in one basket may backfire. Then again they may be right after all and have the last laugh. Only time will tell.
Regardless of your orientation the E Bible Fellowship’s website is either enlightening, entertaining or both and is worth a look.
©R. Merle Lavengood
Holy Crap, Jesus is coming!
Everyone look Busy!
R.Merle Lavengood 1/5/11