Salvation by Facebook

R.Merle Lavengood 2/10/12

Facebook has annoyingly become a sounding board for empty religious soap boxing. The lazy believers have decided they can put on a false face of devote worship in hopes of "copy and pasting" their way to heaven.

If there has ever been a better platform for showing that prayer doesn't change the outcome of anything, it's Facebook.

You can log in anytime and view the seemingly endless prayer requests for this friend or that relative. All in hopes that having two hundred people say magical words will cast a holy magic spell and pixie dust will fall from the heavens and cure the illness or social issue.

On a daily basis you can see the disappointment when the loved one ends up sick or worse after a week of prayer vigil. The obvious fact that all the prayers in the world didn't work is lost on the masses.

Time and time again they will follow a failure of prayer with another prayer request for another person or pet with the same results. The devoted will blindly follow one useless exercise with another to the point of exhaustion to their Facebook friends.

Here is an actual posting from a friend on my Facebook page.

  • Many of us need prayers right now. If you want to join us in prayer click the like button & then re-post. If I don't see your name, I'll understand. May I ask my "Facebook Family", wherever you may be, to kindly copy, paste & share this status for one hour to give a prayer of support to all those who have health and family problems, struggles and worries & just need to know that someone cares. Do it for all of us for no-one is immune. I hope to see this on the walls of all my friends just for moral support. I know some will!! I did it for a friend & you can too. Share some faith & love for those in need. Life works in strange ways. PRAYER WORKS ALL the TIME! ♥ God bless

Well hell's bells this is amazing! With the click of a mouse Facebook prayers has cured every disease known to man! Poverty no longer exists and ring around the collar is a thing of the past!! It says so right there!


Hospitals and funeral parlors are soon to be distant memories.

The same circular logic proves the Bible is all true so it has to apply here too, right?

The absurdity of many of the prayer requests boggles the mind. A prime example are the prayer requests for a good outcome of a medical test being received the next day.

For example Wanda's husband Joe had a biopsy a week before and they are going to the Dr's office for the results. Wanda gets on Facebook and fires up the prayer army the night before having the results read to them to ensure a good cancer free outcome.

This unleashes a long list of starry eyed Jesus freaks putting prayers into the comments section and a herd of sheeple promising to keep Joe in their prayers that night.

Let's break this futile effort down into a reality based world.

  • Believers feel without a doubt that a buttload of Facebookers posting prayers the night before will effect the outcome of the already documented results.
  • The tests, evaluation, files and X-rays etc. were taken a week ago and are sitting in a filing cabinet at the Dr's office written down in black and white.

In the world of God free reality where about 20% of Americans live the reality is that the test results are locked in and have been put into writing waiting for your review.

In the delusional Facebook prayer crowd that includes about 80% of Americans the belief is that they can repeat the five magic biblical phrases they know and cast mystical spells effecting events future and past. With absolute conviction they will tell you that Facebook prayer will effect the results.

In order to effect the outcome a series of events that would have to happen would make Bewitched seem plausible.

Lets assume that the tests come back bad and Joe has cancer. Wanda turns the prayer club loose and they collectively cast their Christian magic spells and go to bed confident they made a difference.

For this to have made a rat's ass of difference the Jesus dust would have to sprinkle down from heaven overnight and do the following.

  • Find all the hospitals, doctor's offices and labs involved.
  • Find any and all files and paperwork and magically move the ink around on the papers to change the report from bad to good. Actually this may explain those doctor signatures...
  • Find any and all computers, computer programs, hard drives and files used in the tests and magically change all the information in them from bad to good.
  • Find all E-mails, hand written notes and text messages concerning the tests and magically change them from bad to good.
  • Find any and all phone messaging systems, texts and answering machines and change the voices and messages left between the healthcare professionals from bad to good.
  • Find all the X-rays and photos and photoshop them to look like no cancer was present when they were taken even though it was there for all to see.
  • Find all lab and office employees involved and in their sleep magically change their memory to reflect the new fake test results.
  • Find Joe and quietly in his sleep go into his colon and remove all the cancer and leave him with a new minty fresh scent.

This would be going on in every doctor's office and hospital in the world continually. The file cabinets would be alive and wiggling around with ink moving from one check box to the next.

The prayer brigade honestly feels their copy and paste Facebook prayers can actually do this because Facebook prayer really works.... If you have any doubts these people believe it just look at the comments I'll get after posting a link to this article on Facebook...

Should the tests come back bad they will look right past the failed prayers and start a fresh round of Facebook prayer calls like nothing happened.

Another mindless exercise is the "click to share" prayer posts. These assume that God has a Facebook account and all the time in the world to check on all the good Christian Facebook members.

Everyone knows God has a full time job helping a rich white kid win NFL football games. Managing Tim Tebow and keeping up with Facebook is hard work even for the original G-man.

Learning God has a Facebook account makes things in the world much easier to understand though.

That explains why over 26,000 children die of starvation in the world everyday praying for help. Children starving and God is busy on Facebook.... It all makes sense now.

If these forgotten kids would just get their prayers posted on Facebook where God could see them then all would be blessed and the mass graves would not be needed anymore.

Obviously these stupid brats don't understand how prayer works in America. A country where American's freedoms were "endowed by their Creator" because God loves Americans more, well maybe not native Americans but they weren't on Facebook. The Declaration of Independence says so.

If you starving kids would just buy a computer like every kid in America owns one or two of and wait in the Facebook prayer line behind the self-centered rich Americans for your turn to sit on God's lap and tell him what toy you want with your happy meal then you too could bask in the success of Facebook prayers, oh and shoo those flies off your face, Americans hate that.

As crazy as this sounds to non-believers this is religion in America anymore. A couple of quick shares of a sweet sounding prayer or a Jesus tainted message and all your sins are absolved. All done on the same computer they use to watch all that yummy internet porn, even the midget stuff we all love.

There is nothing more hypocritical than Facebook worshiping. If you don't believe me then just ask God.

  • Matthew 6:6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

What part of this teaches that shouting prayers on the internet is God's wishes?

  • Matthew 6:7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.

What part of this tells you heathens that copy and pasting worn out Facebook prayer postings over and over again is a path to heaven?

I have found that posting these Bible verses in the comments after a mass Facebook prayer pic posting just pisses people off and it is quickly deleted. Nothing irritates a Facebook prayer poster more than an actual Bible quote...

But the good news is, I hear heaven has free WiFi...